 9/15/08 REPEAT FROM 8/01/08 [2965]: [roof cam: Our new friend, Paul Thoresen, (possibly still enrolled at the University of Wisconsin-Madison) and Pat Farmer are on the roof again. Paul has slapped together another 55-gallon water balloon. It weighs about 457 pounds. Eight stories below is an unsuspecting 1994 Chrysler LeBaron convertible, strategically parked, with top down. It's a sitting duck, as they say. / Weather Report: 84° F, 47% humidity, barometer 29.91, wind SW at 8 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Dom DeLuise is 75 years old today. (So are a lot of other people, but it's Dom's birthday.) / What advice does Pat have for us all? "Safety first." / Pat, Paul and the stagehands do their thing, and the balloon makes its way toward earth. / Bullseye! The windshield has shielded wind for the last time. / Replays.] ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Until 1981, Lincoln's statue in the Lincoln Memorial was holding a tip jar. 2. In some rural areas of Italy, there are coin-operated meatball machines. 3. Dick Cheney holds the world's record for longest sneer. 4. It makes no sense to buy an extended service warranty on a coffin. 5. Curiosity is the #2 cause of death for cats. 6. The government has no idea how many people work for the Census Bureau.] ••• desk chat: Dave visits with Paul about Richard Simmons' upcoming segment. He once spent some time with Richard, and found him to be genuinely irritating. (Dave's probably referring to a segment on 12/30/94, when he and Richard went door-to-door in New Jersey.) Dave says that prior to that day, he'd never thought he could kill another human being. ••• Webster's Dictionary has recently added 100 words. / Top Ten New Words ••• Beloved fitness guru Richard Simmons is delivered down 53rd St. and into the theater by one of those pedal cabs. The CBSO plays him on with Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti." Richard is wearing a bright red, feathery tank top and striped shorts, and is greased up with Mazola® oil, or whatever product he uses to contaminate Dave's furniture. Dave doesn't take the fire extinguisher to Richard, but tells him he can't stand on the guest chair, "Get off the couch. Get off the couch. Hey! I ain't Oprah, get off the furniture. Get off the furniture. Get off!" Richard then does a squirrel face and pose. Dave looks over to Paul and says, "Not a jury in the land would convict me. All they've gotta do is look at the tape," Dave exclaims, perhaps in reference to his earlier comments on putting Richard out of his misery. Dave looks to Gaines and inquires, "Is there a five-day waiting period to get a gun? Is that what it is? I've gotta wait five days?" As the interview winds down, Dave reveals a personal secret to Richard, "Let me tell you something else. I screwed up, and you were only supposed to get one segment, but because I screwed up, you're still here." While he's on a roll, Dave says of Richard's red-feathered get-up, "You know who passed away a couple of weeks ago? The guy who did Bozo the Clown. And I see you were in the will." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• more Richard Simmons ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview": Richard Simmons / As usual, Alan is openly displeased with Dave for snatching his scheduled guest. He calls Dave "numbnuts" and walks off the stage. ••• Mary-Louise Parker plugs Weeds. Dave compliments her on her ass after showing a picture of her nekkid, holding some gigantic snake in a Weeds publicity shoot. Her last visit to the Late Show was on 2/03/95, and I don't recall it going very well. ••• Dave announces that Dwayne Kennedy was bumped. (He'll appear on August 8.) ••• full credits  9/16/08 REPEAT FROM 8/07/08 [2969]: cold open: Dave and Jude Brennan are in his office. Dave wonders how the Olympic athletes are supposed to compete in toxic, gaseous, poisonous air. Jude wonders how she's supposed to work next to someone who reeks of gin and toupee glue. ••• Brett Favre isn't retiring. He's coming to New York to play for the Jets. / video: "On Wednesday the Green Bay Packers traded newly-unretired quarterback Brett Favre to the New York Jets. After learning he's going to the Jets, today Brett announced his decision to re-retire. The New York Jets: Like the Knicks, with a pointy ball."••• glass-breaking FX: cheeping birds (It's not just any birds. We're hearing the state bird of Indiana, the cardinal. Dave says he's not an ornithologist, but when he was a kid he was a Lutheran.) ••• desk chat: Dave says that when he was a child, his mother would take him out in a buggy on a spring morning, and more often than not he was pecked by a cardinal. ••• Osama bin Laden's driver, Salim Hamdan, was sentenced today to 5½ years in prison. / video: "Yesterday, Osama bin Laden's driver, Salim Ahmed Hamdan, was convicted by a military tribunal for war crimes. So if you're interested in buying Mr. Hamdan's 1997 Mazda Protege, head on down to Friedman Mazda in Newburgh, New York. The car comes complete with baba ghanoush-scented air freshener, kebab holder and Osama's collection of Mariah Carey CDs. And if you act now, we'll throw in a replica of Osama's hilarious bumper sticker, 'My other ride is a '79 alpaca.' Friedman Mazda: Your New York Mazda dealer!"••• FX: crows ••• "Chris and Gerry's Tips for Green Living" (with Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan) / video: Chris and Gerry are sharing a giant pair of pants. ••• FX: loon ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "A strict quarantine on all offensive military equipment under shipment to Cuba is being initiated." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "Secondly, um, the uh, the notion that, uh, a personal account..." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave's been very enthusiastic about the show's green living tips. In fact, he's asked Chris and Gerry to appear live in the theater to give one of their tips. Chris wants us to take care of Mother Earth, and Gerard explains that organic gardeners use fertilizers made from animal manure, rather than synthetics and industrial insecticides. They have two groups of vegetables grown with the two fertilizers as examples, and Chris will do a taste test. Oh, no. This can't be. Chris didn't mean taste testing the vegetables. He's going to taste test the buckets of fertilizer. He digs into each bucket and takes out a big glob of "fertilizer" for a taste. He quickly decides that the bucket of Nature's Best® Organic Fertilizer tastes the best. / Chris takes the opportunity to inform Dave that he's looking more like John McCain every day. Regardless, Dave thinks it's very noble of him to work for a better environment, but Chris explains he's just doing community service for dropping his pants in a Wal-Mart. ••• Kiefer Sutherland plugs Mirrors. Dave has a number of questions for him about his visit to jail for a DUI, and Kiefer patiently answers each one. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• ••• Rumer Willis plugs The House Bunny. ••• Phil Vassar sings. 9/17/08 REPEAT FROM 9/02/08 [2976]: desk chat: Dave delivers a random and possibly record-length desk chat, mostly focused on the Republican convention, just underway in Minnesota. The teenage daughter of the Vice-Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, is pregnant and single, but we're not supposed to talk about it. Dave suggests that Angelina Jolie might want to adopt the baby. We're not supposed to talk about candidates' families, but Dave does take the opportunity to remind us of Billy Carter and Billy Beer. Dave takes a little side trip, as he has done several times, to remind us that Sen. John McCain is a national hero. But if he should die in his sleep and Sarah Palin becomes President of the United States, Dave just wishes we could have a President who had taken five minutes to talk to his or her teenage kid about birth control. "Abstinence is a great thing," Dave observes, "I'm in year five." ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of School / #1: "Hi. I'm Principal Dick, but you can call me Andy." ••• live via satellite from the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota: Andy Kindler joins us from the Republican National Convention. / "Kindler's Komedy Korner": Andy's outside a men's restroom, looking for Senator Larry Craig. ••• Nicolas Cage plugs Bangkok Dangerous. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Anna Torv plugs Fringe, in her first talk show appearance. ••• Terrence Howard sings. 9/18/08 REPEAT FROM 8/04/08 [2966]: outside cam to 53rd. St. to see the set-up for tonight's Purina Incredible Dog Challenge / We're looking at 19,000 gallons of water, at 54° F. The pool's 41 feet long, by 17 feet by 4 feet. / Weather Report: 83° F, 44% humidity, barometer 29.97, wind NW 11 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Billy Bob Thornton is 53 today. We'll be back outside in a bit. ••• People Weekly has Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and the twins on this week's cover. Dave says the nice people at People paid $400 for the first photos. The conventional wisdom is the rights came in closer to $14,000,000. (Whether $400 or $14,000,000, when cash is involved, Late Show fans can be confident that Paul will chime in and say, "I've got that on me!" It's become a new Late Show tradition, like the horn section raising their hands.) Anyway, Dave's copy of the magazine has a foldout of the Pitt-Jolie clan, which includes exactly 20 kids. No wonder Brad and Angelina went to in vitro for the twins. They're exhausted! ••• interruption: CBS News Special Report / video: "This is a CBS News Special Report. Packers quarterback Brett Favre has cancelled his comeback bid, and announced his retirement. This has been a CBS News Special Report."••• ["Chris and Gerry's Tips for Green Living" / Today's suggestion is carpooling. Chris Elliott, Gerard Mulligan and several others are headed for the country in just one car. Five hours later, five people hop out of the car, and Gerard opens the trunk to reveal an upbeat Chris, who has a little pep talk for us, and... Oh, no. This is truly a shame. Chris's tummy has become upset during the journey, and he is going to blow chow on national TV. We hear the telltale sounds of regurgitation as we switch to a profile view, so we can fully appreciate the volume of cookies Chris is tossing. He definitely could use a Compazine® suppository. To add insult to injury, poor Chris loses his balance and falls out of the trunk, right in the middle of the biohazardous slop he has returned to Mother Nature. Personal note: One has to wonder how much Chris's upset tummy is from a bumpy ride in the trunk versus his eating a handful of compost in the July 31 episode.] ••• CBS News Special Report / video: "This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has announced he is unretired, and has rejoined the Green Bay Packers. This has been a CBS News Special Report."••• CBS News Special Report / video: "This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has retired, and while retiring, unretired. But then, he retired again. This has been a CBS News Special Report."••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Harry S Truman: "...a full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: "I just saw a, uh, welding machine. Actually, I was the guy that punched the button!" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• [outside cam to 53rd St. / We meet Sarah-Simone McDougall and her Jack Russell Terrier, Forrest Gumpy, from Welland, Ontario. Forrest Gumpy jumps 23' 6".] ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Barack Obama's Birthday Party ••• [Alisa Wayland and Colby from Seymour, Connecticut are our next contestants. Colby's a much bigger doggie than Forrest, at 70 pounds vs. 17 pounds, and he turns in a 25' 11" jump.] ••• Seth Rogen plugs Pineapple Express. After his interview, he gets permission from Dave to take a dive, and runs right out to the tank in his suit. Seth's jump is 17' 0"... not bad for just two legs. ••• after commercial: Dave calls for a replay of Seth's dive. ••• [Rob DeDora and his German Shorthair Pointer, Seven, from Huntington, New York, are the final contestants. Seven wins! His jump comes in at 26' 3", the best of the day. / Andrea Sande and Ruté present a trophy filled with doggie treats.] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Jim Keyes, former 7-Eleven CEO and new Shell Oil CEO, is back with us with news of an exciting bogus promotion, I'm Tired of Expensive Gas. ••• Fleet Foxes sing.
9/19/08 REPEAT FROM 9/04/08 [2978]: desk chat: Dave has a new fascination with Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. He revealed in the monologue that he has Sarah Palin glasses. Dave thinks she blew the roof off the dump with her speech at the convention last night. He looks over at Barbara Gaines and informs her that he wants Gov. Palin booked on the show. As usual, he calls Senator McCain a true hero, but now he wonders whether McCain and Palin should switch offices. Finally, Dave opines that Sarah Palin is going to put an end to ugly people in politics. ••• "Delegate of the Night" (a fat guy dancing) ••• Gaines delivers a card to Dave to let him know that she has contacted Gov. Palin's people by e-mail and telephone. ••• via satellite to St. Paul Minnesota: "Andy Kindler at the Republican National Convention" and "Political Commentary with Andy Kindler" (Andy covers his eyes to pick a beverage, hinting that this was Sen. McCain's method for choosing Gov. Palin. He gets Blueberry Pomegranite, by the way.) ••• Robin Williams ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• video: We see Shannen Doherty entering on 53rd Street. ••• Shannen Doherty plugs 90210. ••• Duffy sings.
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