Chris: "You know, changing the kind of cars we drive can have a huge impact on the environment. We'll save money and gas, and cut down on harmful emissions if we switch to gas-electric hybrid cars." Gerry: "Speakin' of hybrids... remember the time you picked up that girl on 10th Avenue, and she turned out to be a guy. Remember that? You remember that, right?" Chris: "That's not exactly what happened, alright? The person was a little confused, that's all." Gerry: "It was exactly what happened. It was exactly what happened." Chris: "That's not exactly what happened, and why would you bring that up?" Gerry: "Because I enjoy it. I've told everybody I know that story. It's a great story." Chris: "Do me a favor. Get your fat ass off my car." Gerry: "I won't get my fat ass off of anything!"

"Thank you. Thank you, Fatty. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin defied expectations in delivering an impressive performance in last week's Vice-Presidential debate in St. Louis. I, for one, was not surprised." (Cue saxophone music.) "Hey, Madam Governor. I know these long days on the campaign trail can be difficult. Why not take a break from discussing national security and natural gas pipelines? Let Big Red lay some pipe of his own. That's right. Together we can build a bridge to ecstacy. Is Big Red in favor of bipartisanship? Oh, you betcha. I will change positions as often as you ask me to, because when it's time for some hot, late night drilling, Big Red is the original maverick. While you continue to play up your status as a Washington outsider, Big Red's planning on being an insider, all... night... long." / Dave: "Alright, OK Alan, that's enough. Alright, please, Alan. Alan, please stop. You're makin' us sick again. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry about that. We'll be right back with the lovely Elizabeth Banks."

10/09/08 [2998]: Monica Trombetta announces for Alan Kalter. Michael Bearden sits in for Paul Shaffer on keyboards. (It's Yom Kippur.) ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we can have peace with honor. I believe in the future of the United States." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "Um. The. Umm." ••• Monica Trombetta with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave introduces Michael Bearden and Monica Trombetta. ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book. He's still claiming it's in Oprah's Book Club, until the cease and desist order arrives. Dave previews page 23. ••• desk chat: Dave recaps the John McCain no-show on September 24. ••• "A Message from John McCain" / video:

"I have / hundreds / of homes / in all four corners of the earth." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") •••

McCain: "Gold-plated Cadillac." "Overhead projector." "Hair transplants." "Nailin' Jell-O® to the wall." "Goodies." "Goodies." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks."
Obama: "Earmarks."
McCain: "Earmarks." "Earmarks."
Obama: "Earmarks." "Earmarks."
McCain: "Fanny." "Freddy."
Obama: "Fanny."
McCain: "Fanny." "Freddy."
Obama: "Fanny."
McCain: "Fanny and Freddy." "Freddy."
Obama: "Fanny."
McCain: "Franny and Freddy." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "That one." "Stinkin' corpse." (I think you get the general idea.)

10/08/08 [2997]: cold open: We see Dave and Jude reading papers. "Dismal... horrible... unbelievable," Jude exclaims. "What is that," Dave asks, "Something about the economy?" "No," Jude responds, "I was just thinking about working here." "Oh, SNAP!" Dave says, smiling. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "I love to go walkin' out there, seein' the cows. Occasionally they talk to me." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave mutters about the length of the Presidential campaign. ••• We're in a depression, so Dave suggests that we go in a bookstore and read the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's part of Oprah's book club, you know. / Dave reads from page 115. ••• "MSNBC News You Can Count On" / video:

"...and Sarah Palin is perfectly willing to touch it."

10/07/08 [2996]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: ""Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "I just didn't like goin' to school." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• John McCain is accusing Barack Obama of being angry and touchy. / video:

"The economy is in crisis, the war in Iraq rages on and our nation's future hangs in the balance. At such a turbulent time, can America afford to have a hothead like this in the White House?" (Cue video of Barack Obama, standing patiently at a podium, smiling and waiting to speak.) "John McCain: America's friendliest Senator." (Cue photo of a somewhat angry-looking Senator McCain.)

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Because of our collapsing economy, I've just learned that I've been laid off. Good luck, ***holes. I'm going to get ****faced." (Cue picture of a bottle of Jameson™ Irish Whiskey.) "This has been a CBS News Special Report."

(Cue video of Osama bin Laden in a tent.) "For years, the most dangerous man in the world has eluded capture. President Bush has remained determined, never giving up the hunt. And finally, we have captured him. Oh. Wait. Wrong guy. We got him." (Cue picture of O. J. Simpson.) "George W. Bush: 26% and falling."

10/06/08 [2995]: "John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Dwight W. Eisenhower: "Our defense is not only strong, it is awesome, and it is respected elsewhere." 2. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 3. George W. Bush: "Uh, I think I got a B in Econ 101." ••• desk chat: Dave says that Harry came up with the idea of sleeping in a tent over the weekend. Dave persuaded him to pitch the tent inside, upstairs. Then Harry wanted to scare Mommy in the middle of the night. His idea was to say, "Eat poop." ••• more desk chat: Ball State University, home of the Fighting Cardinals (the fiercest robin-sized bird in all the world) beat Toledo 31-0 over the weekend. They're 6-0! They're ranked for the first time ever, at #25 in the AP poll. ••• We've heard so much bad news about the economy lately, but finally there's something good. / video:

"Economists tell us we're on the verge of financial armageddon. The housing industry is near collapse. Banks are failing. Families are struggling. Yet somehow this weekend, Americans were able to spend $29 million on this." (Cue clip of The Chihuahuas.) See? Things aren't so bad. George W. Bush: 'My dog's named Barney.' "

"Barack Obama is looking forward to his second debate with John McCain. His strategy is simple: #1: Keep the focus squarely on the economy. #2: Tie McCain to the failed strategies of the Bush administration, and #3: steal the batteries from McCain's hearing aid." (Cue clip of Sen. McCain doing nothing but blinking, as a voice asks, "Senator McCain?") "John McCain: 'One for Cocoon, please.' "

10/03/08 [2994]: Dave and crew came in to tape on Friday so they could put together timely material after the Vice-Presidential debate on Thursday night. Normally the Friday episode is taped second on Monday. What they produced was possibly th10/06/08 [2895]: "John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Dwight W. Eisenhower: "Our defense is not only strong, it is awesome, and it is respected elsewhere." 2. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 3. George W. Bush: "Uh, I think I got a B in Econ 101." ••• desk chat: Dave says that Harry came up with the idea of sleeping in a tent over the weekend. Dave persuaded him to pitch the tent inside, upstairs. Then Harry wanted to scare Mommy in the middle of the night. His idea was to say, "Eat poop." ••• more desk chat: Ball State University, home of the Fighting Cardinals (the fiercest robin-sized bird in all the world) beat Toledo 31-0 over the weekend. They're 6-0! They're ranked for the first time ever, at #25 in the AP poll. ••• We've heard so much bad news about the economy lately, but finally there's something good. / video:

"Economists tell us we're on the verge of financial armageddon. The housing industry is near collapse. Banks are failing. Families are struggling. Yet somehow this weekend, Americans were able to spend $29 million on this." (Cue clip of The Chihuahuas.) See? Things aren't so bad. George W. Bush: 'My dog's named Barney.' "

"Barack Obama is looking forward to his second debate with John McCain. His strategy is simple: #1: Keep the focus squarely on the economy. #2: Tie McCain to the failed strategies of the Bush administration, and #3: steal the batteries from McCain's hearing aid." (Cue clip of Sen. McCain doing nothing but blinking, as a voice asks, "Senator McCain?") "John McCain: 'One for Cocoon, please.' "

10/03/08 [2994]: Dave and crew came in to tape on Friday so they could put together timely material after the Vice-Presidential debate on Thursday night. Normally the Friday episode is taped second on Monday. What they produced was possibly the most biased episode ever. Every single segment on the debate, as you can see, poked fun at Sarah Palin. Rarely, if ever, has he made his position this obvious. I must say the staff did a nice job with what they've been known to call the "Late Show Unfair Edit(s)."

"Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "Doin' a better job of talkin' to one another. The left hand now knows what the right hand is doin'." (uses the wrong hands to demonstrate the idea) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave rehashes John McCain's no-show for Episode 2987 on September 24. The Senator promised to come back, and we're still waiting. "The road to the White House runs right through me," Dave reminds us. The Senator also suggested that he'd bring Sarah Palin. ••• There was an odd moment at the beginning of the debate last night. / video: We see Senator Hillary Clinton onstage with Senator Biden. ••• "A Message from Sarah Palin" / video:

"Wow. It's so obvious / that I'm not ready / to be the Vice-President." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"Your plan is a white flag of surrender," which she then repeats.

"But... I will tell Americans straight up that I / don't know what a Vice-President does." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"Joe Sixpack." "Hockey moms." "Ah, say it ain't so, Joe. There you go again." "Doggone it." "Nuclear weaponry." "Darn right." "And I'll betcha..." "Darn right." "And here's a shout out to all those third graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School." "Drill, baby, drill." "John McCain's maverick." "Consummate mavericks." "And the maverick from the Senate and put him in the White House..." "And I've joined this team that is a team of mavericks." "What do you expect? A team of mavericks." "A stinking corpse."

"I / have / no experience. / John McCain / should / get rid / of me." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

10/02/08 [2993]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "There are SBA loans for this, and I understand for some the word SBA means slow bureaucratic paperwork." ••• desk chat: Dave announces that for the first time, the CBSO will take part in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Paul claims he's going to be playing the glockenspiel. ••• show and tell: Dave has another of his talks about hard times, then informs us that we need to buy our copies of the Late Show Fun Facts book. (I got my copies yesterday.) Dave claims it's been added to Oprah's Book Club. (Would Oprah lead us astray?) ••• Gov. Sarah Palin's availability has been limited. Then Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric got her. The campaign defended her with this announcement. / video:

"Despite reports that we're afraid to have Sarah Palin face the media, the McCain campaign would like to point out that Governor Palin has now spoken at length with several prominent journalists. What have we learned about Sarah Palin so far?" (We see a series of clips, such as Katie Couric asking the Governor what newspapers she reads.) Voice-over: "Sarah Palin: Co-pilot of the Straight Talk Express."

"Congress is slowly moving closer to passing the emergency $700 billion bailout package. However, the crisis demands immediate action by political leaders. Therefore, in order to rescue the vitally important American company, Sara Lee, Al Gore has purchased 200,000 cheesecakes. Al Gore: Still Fat."

"A source close to the John McCain campaign says the Senator has been taking an herbal supplement to boost his memory. And while McCain admits there is some truth to the rumor, he has announced that he will immediately stop taking the memory supplement in a desperate attempt to forget this." (Cue clip of Katie Couric quizzing Sarah Palin on Supreme Court decisions.) "John McCain: 'What did I come in here for?' "

10/01/08 [2992]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "I believe this economy..." (sorry, thought I had the tape started) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "John McCain: Presidential Material" / video: We see George W. Bush trying to open a locked door, followed by Sen. John McCain trying to remember how he got on a stage. ••• glass-breaking FX: "Supper Time," with Walter Brennan ••• The Late Show is on top of election coverage. / We see correspondents Linda Watson and Greg Thorne standing by. ••• With all the current worries about the U. S. economy, Dave decided to visit with his accountant today, and we have video: Johnny Dark, as Dave's accountant, opens a window for Dave to jump out of. Jude Brennan plays the role of Dave's wife. Of course we all know that Fred Nigro is Dave's real accountant. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp ••• clip: Watson and Thorne, still standing by ••• Kate Walsh plugs Private Practice, and tells all about her recent horsefly bite. A concerned Dave fondles examines the affected area. ••• Act 5, if I'm not mistaken, was just a 5-second bumper tonight. ••• Raconteur, hypochondriac and director Barry Sonnenfeld plugs Pushing Daisies. ••• Darius Rucker sings. ••• partial credits ••• Alan Kalter delivers a 70-second promotion for the use of compact fluorescent light bulbs. / www.dec.ny.gov

9/30/08 [2991]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 3. George W. Bush: "Thanks for comin', and so who do you work for? ... That means you sell lamps?" ••• Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book, which he claims has been added to Oprah's Book Club. ••• "Late Show 2008 Candidate Spotlight":

"John McCain: "My fellow Americans, I use Canadian quarters to buy Twixt® bars in Senate vending machines. What are you gonna do about it?"

9/29/08 [2990]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 3. Uhh... first I... recognize... a momentous time..." ••• desk chat: Dave delivers a tribute to the late Paul Newman. It's entertaining and funny, and he makes sure we understand the extent of Newman's charitable work, which approached $250 million for various causes. ••• Top Ten Features of the Rejected $700 Billion Bailout ••• Julia Louis-Dreyfus plugs The New Adventures of Old Christine. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Michael Cera plugs Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. ••• Pete Seeger sings.

9/26/08 [2989]: Dave says, "Today I finally heard some news about the economy. One of the Lehman brothers was adopted by Angelina Jolie." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Harry S Truman: "...a full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: The President, in a focus group, listens to a lady whining about her defective TV. ••• desk chat: Dave says Joe from New Jersey asked in the preshow questions if he could present tonight's Top Ten list. He's offering $13.20. Dave wants $20. ••• video: "Chris and Gerry's Tips for Green Living": Chris is somehow saving the environment by taking a bath in an office sink. (Count your blessings that you're reading it here and not seeing it.) ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Lassie was portrayed by nine different collies and a small alpaca. 2. The sun is powered entirely by solar energy.] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam: We see the set-up for tonight's concert. ••• Eddie Brill picks up a $20 bill from Joe Massamilla in the audience, and Dave lets him read the Top Ten Surprises in the Presidential Debate. ••• Lance Armstrong announces that he's going to race again. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Kristen Wiig plugs Saturday Night Live and Ghost Town. ••• TV on the Radio plays outside. (The Hello Deli Concert Series is sponsored by Explod-O-Pop® atomic popping corn.)

9/25/08 [2988]: "Yeah," Dave remarks in his monologue, "McCain got out of last night's show. I wasn't so lucky." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: Before Julia Child came along, no one imagined it could be so interesting to watch a meal being prepared." ••• desk chat: Dave has more on Senator McCain's non-appearance last night. ••• "Larry King: Nice Outfit" (the usual suspenders get-up) ••• live via satellite from Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 7,025): Ten Alaskans present the Top Ten Surprising Facts About Sarah Palin. ••• Paris Hilton plugs Paris Hilton's My New BFF. / shots of boyfriend Benji Madden in the green room ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview" (Paris Hilton is Alan's guest. As every regular viewer of Alan's interviews would expect, he's managed once again to book a guest who was with Dave three minutes earlier. Alan is steamed. He says naughty words. He takes a walk. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Usain Bolt, Olympic gold medalist ••• Morningwood sing.

9/24/08 [2987]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 3. George W. Bush: "So long as we remain true to our / eye / are / our / ideas." ••• desk chat: Senator John McCain had been booked for today's show for several days, and earlier today he canceled so he could go back to Washington as the Congress works on the financial mess we're in. But Dave doesn't think this smells right. He thinks someone's putting something in the Senator's Metamucil®. ••• Dave plugs the new Late Show Fun Facts book, which came out yesterday. ••• Photoshop fun: Citizens of New York City are quite excited about Governor Palin. The Statue of Liberty looks a lot like Sarah Palin now. ••• more desk rant: Dave reminds us that he considers John McCain a national hero, but does some more grumbling about the cancellation. ••• Magician David Blaine is in the middle of a stunt in which he's hanging upside down for 60 hours in Central Park. / video: Somebody accidentally drops him on his noggin. ••• after commercials: more desk rant: Why can't Sarah Palin carry on the campaign? ••• Top Ten Questions People are Asking the John McCain Campaign ••• more desk rant ••• back to the TTL ••• Keith Olbermann ••• live video: We see Senator McCain getting make-up before an interview, right now, with Katie Couric. ••• back to Keith Olbermann ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Chandra Wilson plugs Grey's Anatomy, which has its fifth season premiere tomorrow. ••• Delta Goodrem sings. ••• Be sure to read the Wahoo Gazette for today to learn about the Late Show's mad scramble to replace a guest who was allocated multiple segments, all on an hour's notice.

9/23/08 [2986]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 3. George W. Bush: The President does a shake-and-bake while looking for the person about to ask him a question at the Landon Lecture at Kansas State University on 1/23/06. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave explains that he's been a lifelong fan of the Ball State Fighting Cardinals, and he wants to talk about the football team (4-0). The Cardinal is the fiercest robin-sized bird in all the world. ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book, which became available today. He knows the economy's a mess. Supposing you only have one $20 bill left. What do you do with it? It's not enough for food or rent, and certainly not enough for gas. Fire up the Web browser and buy the book from Amazon, or wherever miscellaneous information is sold. ••• Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas for Fixing the Economy ••• "Lyle the Intern" (Jimmi Simpson) shows up after the TTL. We take a quick look backstage to meet Lyle's posse, Big Dog Rudy (Joe Grossman) and his rabbi friend. It seems that Lyle spent time at Fat Camp this summer. (Fat girls need love, too.) Lyle wants Dave to underwrite his bootleg movie operation. Dave, a somewhat upstanding citizen, declines, and Lyle says he's going to shank him in the still of the night. (I don't think Lyle was spanked enough when he was a youngster.) ••• Julianne Moore plugs The Blindness. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Tom Dreesen and Tim Reid ••• Kings of Leon sing.

9/22/08 [2985]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: ""Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "Are you having burritos for lunch?" ••• desk chat: There was a big moment for the Letterman household on Saturday. Harry has added soccer to his resume, as he has joined the Wizards. To make a long desk chat short, Harry picked up the ball. ••• Bill Clinton explains the state of the U. S. economy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "This week on the Late Show" ••• outside cam: Bill Clinton signing autographs outside ••• Chris Rock plugs his HBO special, Kill the Messenger.

9/19/08: REPEAT FROM 9/04/08

9/18/08: REPEAT FROM 8/04/08

9/17/08: REPEAT FROM 9/02/08

9/16/08: REPEAT FROM 8/07/08

9/15/08: REPEAT FROM 8/01/08

9/12/08 [2984]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we can have peace with honor. I believe in the future of the United States. 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the 1930s. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 3. George W. Bush: "The U.N. Security Council resolution that we passed when I was the President was one of 16, I think. 16? 17? Give me a hand here. More than 15." ••• desk chat: A man from Alexandria, Virginia asked about Harry, who will be five in November. Dave reports that his heart is broken. Harry just started nursery school the other day, and he's joined a gang. ••• desk chat: Dave spends 4 min. 20 sec. introducing and plugging the Late Show Fun Facts book. It will be released and available on Amazon on September 23. The book retails at $19.95, but as of this writing it's $13.57 plus shipping. Dave hints that it might be a good idea to shoplift his latest publication. ••• outside cam to 53rd St. for high jumpers / Our first high jumper is Sharon Day, a recent graduate of Cal Poly. Her best jump is 6' 4¾". She did about 6' 1" in Beijing. Tonight she'll try 5' 10", and she makes it easily. / replay ••• desk chat: Dave may have gotten in trouble with a producer. After commercial, he says maybe we shouldn't shoplight the book, because they're not going to go easy on us if we do it. It's not like Dave's going to call the popo and say, "Go easy on him." He's going to say, "Throw the book at him." (He he.) The new plan is to read it in the store. ••• outside cam: Dusty Jonas of NU is up next. He jumped 7' 2½" in Beijing. Tonight he'll attempt 7' 4", and if he makes it, he'll get a shiny, new quarter from Dave. Dusty clears 7' 4"! Dave has Biff run the quarter out to him. / replay ••• Meg Ryan plugs The Women. ••• outside cam: Andre Manson, a graduate of Texas, is up next. He cleared 7' 4½" in Beijing, but his best is 7' 7¾". Andre tries 7' 5" tonight and makes it. / replay ••• Act 5: replays of the high jumps ••• Ricky Gervais plugs Ghost Town.

9/11/08 [2983]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "And, uh, it is a, uh, I think it's a, I think it is, it's uh, it's uh, these..." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: There were Secret Service people all over the place yesterday with Barack Obama's visit. Dave claims that costumer designer Sue Hum was guessing their jacket sizes backstage. ••• Paul delivers dinner at 21 for a lady in the front row of the audience. For some strange reason, Dave decides to make his way to the audience for a smooch. ••• That hothead crackpot, Bill O'Reilly, had Barack Obama on The Factor the other day. / video: O'Reilly and Obama go back and forth. They sound like they're speaking in tongues. (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") ••• "Local News Segue of the Night" / video from Fox 26: The segue is from the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland to designer bags. ••• Top Ten Reasons I Like Being an Actor (presented onstage by Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro) ••• Jessica Simpson interview / Dave and Jessica have a lengthy discussion on jockeys vs. cups in the NFL. ••• Jungle Jack Hanna ••• Jessica Simpson sings.

9/10/08 [2982]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "Uh, you'll be able to, uh, uh, you'll be able to see a technology, uh, a, a technology that will be, enable you to, uh, converse, converse with somebody over a long distance, and it will seem like the person is right there in the room with you." ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he's going to suck up to Barack Obama during the interview, so if he's President, he can go see him in the Oval Office. ••• desk chat: Until three weeks ago, Harry thought Dave worked for Mommy. (Dave is silent for the next 11 seconds, to allow that thought to soak in.) Now he's getting some idea that Daddy has a show. Harry has a new orange cat, which he named Orange. He's a cool cat, with wrap-around shades and a red Ball State hoodie. Dave calls Biff out to find a nice place for Orange on a bridge in the backdrop. ••• Senator Barack Obama ••• LeBron James ••• Something was edited out after the Orange segment.

9/09/08 [2981]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "We don't need hair follicles. You know? Particularly if you have hair." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Apple rolled out a new iPod Nano™ today, and Dave has it. It's a handful, at about three feet high. And what's the first song our host loaded onto the thing? That's right: "Knock Three Times" by Tony Orlando and Dawn! ••• glass-breaking FX: Walter Brennan and "Supper Time" ••• Famous dictator Kim Jong-Il may have kicked the bucket in 2003, with a body double playing him since then. / video: "Kim Jong Il: Dead or Alive?":

In confirmed photos of Kim Jong-Il taken in 2002, the North Korean dictator appears short, somewhat chubby and in his early sixties; however, in photos taken in 2006, he appears to be actor Randy Quaid in a wig."

"Sarah Palin spent years in a Pentecostal church, in which some of the members spoke in tongues. While this is disturbing to many Americans, there is a precedent for someone in the White House speaking in tongues." (Cue video of Pres. George W. Bush stammering, "Let me. Let me. Let. Let me. Let me.") "George W. Bush: 26% and falling."

9/08/08 [2980]: Our old friend, David Sanborn, is sitting in tonight. He has a new CD, Here and Gone. David hasn't sat in since December 29, 1998. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 2. John F. Kennedy: "As Americans we find Communism profoundly repugnant." 3. George W. Bush: "But specificially about our position on prostitution, I'm going to have to talk to the Secretary about it." ••• desk chat: Spurred by tonight's guest, Thomas Friedman, Dave has a long desk rant about the environment. He goes back and forth between serious and silly on the subject, but it's clear that he believes we're screwed. He complains that no one from either political party has stepped forward, and wants us to find alternative sources of energy. "We are dead meat," Dave proclaims. ••• Life is back to normal in St. Paul, Minnesota after the Republican National Convention last week. Well, there's one little detail left. / video:

"The people of Minneapolis/St. Paul want to thank the Republicans for a terrific week. We were honored to host your wonderful convention, and wish you nothing but success in the fall. Oh... just one thing... we were wondering if you could get your gay Senator out of our airport's men's room. Larry Craig: Vehemently ungay."

"Sarah Palin is the first female Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, the first female governor of Alaska and the first beauty pageant contestant on a national ticket since John Edwards."

"The wrestling world lost one of its greatest with the recent death of Wladek "Killer" Kowalski. Although he retired from the ring in 1977, Kowalski remained active right up until the end, making public appearances, operating his own wrestling school and, in his final days, even attending the Republican National Convention." (Cue picture of Barbara Bush.) "So long, Killer. We'll miss you."

9/05/08 [2979]: outside cam to 53rd St. to meet Charles Austin: Charles won the gold medal in high jump in the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, for a jump of 7' 10". / Weather Report: 80° F, 45% humidity, barometer 30.06, wind NW 6 MPH, visibility 6 miles ••• Charles makes a warm-up jump at 6' 6". ••• interruption: Dave gets a call on the prop dial phone from Randy, who likes Celine Dion. ••• Top Ten Ways to Make the U. S. Open More Exciting ••• outside cam: The high jump record for a 40-year-old is 7' ½". Charles attempts 7' ¾" and misses. ••• after commercial: Charles tries 7' ¾" again and misses. ••• John Malkovich plugs Burn After Reading. ••• outside cam: Charles misses 7' ¾" again. ••• Hayden Panettiere plugs Heroes. She likes whales. ••• Steve Earle with a musical tribute to Warren Zevon

9/04/08 [2978]: desk chat: Dave has a new fascination with Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. He revealed in the monologue that he has Sarah Palin glasses. Dave thinks she blew the roof off the dump with her speech at the convention last night. He looks over at Barbara Gaines and informs her that he wants Gov. Palin booked on the show. As usual, he calls Senator McCain a true hero, but now he wonders whether McCain and Palin should switch offices. Finally, Dave opines that Sarah Palin is going to put an end to ugly people in politics. ••• "Delegate of the Night" (a fat guy dancing) ••• Gaines delivers a card to Dave to let him know that she has contacted Gov. Palin's people by e-mail and telephone. ••• via satellite to St. Paul Minnesota: "Andy Kindler at the Republican National Convention" and "Political Commentary with Andy Kindler" (Andy covers his eyes to pick a beverage, hinting that this was Sen. McCain's method for choosing Gov. Palin. He gets Blueberry Pomegranite, by the way.) ••• Robin Williams ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• video: We see Shannen Doherty entering on 53rd Street. ••• Shannen Doherty plugs 90210. ••• Duffy sings.

9/03/08 [2977]: Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's foreign policy experience is being questioned by some Democrats. It turns out that her experience is excellent. / video:

"Many Democrats are attacking Sarah Palin for not having the foreign policy experience neccesary to be Vice-President, and not even having a passport until last year. But Palin has learned much about foreign policy as Governor of a state that's just 55 miles from Russia, from sharing a border with Canada and from her many visits to the International House of Pancakes®. Sarah Palin: In France, pancakes are called crêpes."

9/02/08 [2976]: desk chat: Dave delivers a random and possibly record-length desk chat, mostly focused on the Republican convention, just underway in Minnesota. The teenage daughter of the Vice-Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, is pregnant and single, but we're not supposed to talk about it. Dave suggests that Angelina Jolie might want to adopt the baby. We're not supposed to talk about candidates' families, but Dave does take the opportunity to remind us of Billy Carter and Billy Beer. Dave takes a little side trip, as he has done several times, to remind us that Sen. John McCain is a national hero. But if he should die in his sleep and Sarah Palin becomes President of the United States, Dave just wishes we could have a President who had taken five minutes to talk to his or her teenage kid about birth control. "Abstinence is a great thing," Dave observes, "I'm in year five." ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of School / #1: "Hi. I'm Principal Dick, but you can call me Andy." ••• live via satellite from the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota: Andy Kindler joins us from the Republican National Convention. / "Kindler's Komedy Korner": Andy's outside a men's restroom, looking for Senator Larry Craig. ••• Nicolas Cage plugs Bangkok Dangerous. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Anna Torv plugs Fringe, in her first talk show appearance. ••• Terrence Howard sings.

9/01/08: REPEAT FROM 8/06/08

8/29/08 [2975]: roof cam: Our new friend, Wisconsin-Madison student Paul Thoresen, is back with us. He's filled up another batch of 55-gallon water balloons to test the earth's gravitational field. To review, these babies weight about 457 pounds. Parked eight stories below is a 1985 Chrysler Town and Country convertible, with fake wood side panels, 94,062 miles on the odometer, and loaded up with four funny-looking mannequins. Alan Kalter gives us all the details. / Weather Report: 76° F, 57% humidity, barometer 92.90, wind NW at 10 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Elliott Gould, by the way, is 70 years old today. / Paul, Pat Farmer and crew dump the balloon, which takes a glancing blow off the right rear door. Dave calls for a do-over, which is much better. ••• "Biff at the Democratic Convention" (He's not in a rush to get back to the Ed Sullivan Theater.) ••• video: tape from Paul's second balloon drop on 8/01/08, which seriously messed up a Chrysler LeBaron ••• Paul and Pat drop a third water balloon, which pretty much obliterates the mannequin in the driver's seat. ••• Dave calls for a report from Gaines on Paul's plane ticket from Wisconsin: a $436 round trip. ••• Amy Sedaris plugs Gym Teacher: The Movie. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Kim Kardashian plugs Disaster Movie. ••• Brian Regan does stand-up. ••• (Tonight's Top Ten was either canceled or edited out.)

8/28/08 [2974]: desk chat: Dave has another of his stories about the pre-show audience question. Tonight he took a question from Tammy, who came in from Vancouver. No sooner had she been recognized than a thug seated next to her took over the question. ••• Joe Biden of Delaware is up for Vice-President. / "Get to Know Delaware" / video and voice-over:

"I've got nothin'. This has been 'Get to Know Delaware.' "

"Barack Obama. The son of a black man from Kenya and a white man from Kansas. Now, no matter what your politics, that is a moment for the history books."

8/27/08 [2973]: interruption: Dave has to take a moment with cue card technician Tony Mendez to get on the same page on a joke. Tony thought Dave made a slight mistake, but it was Tony's boo boo. Dave promises Tony a nice retirement package. ••• during the monologue: Dave takes another of his audience polls on Obama vs. McCain. As usual, the second choice of candidates gets the most cheers and applause. ••• Vice-Presidential nominee Joe Biden is from Delaware. / "Get to Know Delaware" / video:

"In 1894, the Battle of Newcastle ended after General Thaddeus Rutland signed the Treaty of Engemoor in Delaware. I just made that up, because I don't know the first thing about Delaware. This has been 'Get to Know Delaware.' "

"This is a CBS News Election '08 Update. Hillary Clinton has unequivocally thrown her support behind Barack Obama. However, as a diehard Clinton supporter..." (Cue live video of a bearded announcer.) "...I'm continuing to wear my pantsuit. Stay tuned to CBS for more election updates. We now return you to the Tony Orlando and Dawn Radio Hour, already in progress."

8/26/08 [2972]: In honor of Vice-Presidential nominee Joe Biden, we have another installment of "Get to Know Delaware." / video:

"Historic tourist attractions such as Independence Hall and the Franklin Institute, and breathtaking natural attractions such as the Allegheny National Forest can be found in Pennsylvania, which is right next to Delaware. This has been 'Get to Know Delaware.' "

"In 1988, Joe Biden's Presidential campaign came to an end when he was accused of plagiarizing speeches. Well, it looks like Biden is up to his old tricks. Here's what Barack Obama said at 3 P.M. Saturday: 'to Springfield...' And here's what Biden said just 10 minutes later: 'to Springfield...' Disgraceful. John McCain: 'What time's Matlock on?' "

"Barack Obama has been criticizing John McCain for not knowing how many homes he owns. John McCain responded by criticizing Obama for buying land with the help of convicted felon, Tony Rezko. In light of all this controversy over candidates' homes, Ralph Nader is proud to remind America that he lives in a one-room efficiency at the Night-Lite Residential Motel in Fort Lee, New Jersey. Ralph Nader: Washing his socks in the kitchen sink since 1965."

8/25/08 [2971]: desk chat: Dave announces that he hates Communists. But when he saw the Chinese women's volleyball team, he was ready to sign up. (Cue photo of Chinese volleyball players hugging, with a hand on a rear end.) ••• more desk chat: Dave says he has a buddy who works in Bejing in "the Birth Department." When he saw the female gymnastics teams he had his pal check on them, and they're ages three and four. So there we have it. ••• more desk chat: Dave thinks the single-most impressive event is the high jump. He asks Gaines for high jumpers on 53rd St. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We have high jump fever on the Late Show. During the commercial, Dave has set up a desktop demonstration for us. He has two Late Show mugs five or six inches apart for the uprights. The high jump bar is one of Dave's two-eraser pencils. The high jumper is another pencil, broken to about 2½", which Dave lifts over the bar and into the pit. Very, very impressive. / slow-motion replay ••• We learned on Saturday that Sen. Joe Biden from Delaware was asked to be Obama's running mate. / video: "Get to Know Delaware":

"Delaware is a state. This has been 'Get to Know Delaware.' "

"The MTA is pleased to announce a new three-part campaign to end rampant subway groping. First, we're distributing 2,000 posters throughout the subway system that encourage people who are groped on trains to report it. Second, we're increasing police patrols on all subway cars, and third, we're inviting gropers and passengers who don't mind being groped to ride in our Designated Groping cars. The MTA: Making groping fun again."

"This is a CBS News Election '08 Update. In a new CBS News poll, voters were asked which nickname they preferred for the Obama-Biden ticket. The favorite Obama-Biden nickname is JOEBAMA, at 58%. In second place is OBIDEN, with 39%. And, in last place with 3%: JIDENAMACKOJOBA. Stay tuned to CBS for further updates. We now return you to Barnaby Jones, already in progress."

8/22/08: REPEAT FROM 6/18/08

8/21/08: REPEAT FROM 7/21/08

8/20/08: REPEAT FROM 7/29/08

8/19/08: REPEAT FROM 5/12/08

8/18/08: REPEAT FROM 7/24/08

8/15/08: REPEAT FROM 6/12/08

8/14/08: REPEAT FROM 7/15/08

8/13/08: REPEAT FROM 6/24/08

8/12/08: REPEAT FROM 7/16/08

8/11/08: REPEAT FROM 6/23/08

8/08/08 [2970]: "Late Show Olympic Preview" (All we have is the fancy intro.) ••• glass-breaking FX: Jeff Altman's "Nice goin', Lunchmeat." ••• Film Coordinator Richard "Shecky" Scheckman has gotten important news video from al Qaeda. One of their hotshot operatives has kicked the bucket. / video:

"We here at al Qaeda are saddened to report the death of our brother, Abu Khabab al-Masri. A collection and a condolence card will passed around the office for his wife, Iris, so when the intern comes around asking for money, please don't pretend you left your wallet in your car. This means you, Gabe. Also, if anyone is interested in applying for Abu Khabab's position, please submit your resume to Janice by the close of business Wednesday. Thank you, and don't forget we're playing softball against Sunglass Hut® tonight after work. Al Qaeda: It's all-righta."

"1962: Publishes novel, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. 1973-1978: Publishes the three-part history, The Gulag Archipelago. 1997: Publishes paperback novel, Slut Beach."

8/07/08 [2969]: cold open: Dave and Jude Brennan are in his office. Dave wonders how the Olympic athletes are supposed to compete in toxic, gaseous, poisonous air. Jude wonders how she's supposed to work next to someone who reeks of gin and toupee glue. ••• Brett Favre isn't retiring. He's coming to New York to play for the Jets. / video:

"On Wednesday the Green Bay Packers traded newly-unretired quarterback Brett Favre to the New York Jets. After learning he's going to the Jets, today Brett announced his decision to re-retire. The New York Jets: Like the Knicks, with a pointy ball."

"Yesterday, Osama bin Laden's driver, Salim Ahmed Hamdan, was convicted by a military tribunal for war crimes. So if you're interested in buying Mr. Hamdan's 1997 Mazda Protege, head on down to Friedman Mazda in Newburgh, New York. The car comes complete with baba ghanoush-scented air freshener, kebab holder and Osama's collection of Mariah Carey CDs. And if you act now, we'll throw in a replica of Osama's hilarious bumper sticker, 'My other ride is a '79 alpaca.' Friedman Mazda: Your New York Mazda dealer!"

8/06/08 [2968]: "China: Did You Know?" / video:

"The Great Wall of China, stretching over approximately 4,000 miles, attracts over 10 million visitors a year. But did you know that each year an additional 14 million visitors stop by another famous Chinese landmark, erected during the Qing Dynasty in 1688, and known for its architectural grandeur and historical significance: the Great Door of China? This has been 'China: Did You Know?' "

8/05/08 [2967]: Since NBC's covering the Olympics, the Today show has moved to China to cover them. / video: We see Matt Lauer outdoors, telling the story of the Olympic games, which start in four days. Now, we all know there's been big discussion of the smog problem in Beijing, but what we're seeing is stunning, and getting worse by the second. Before our eyes, the smog becomes completely opaque. Matt is heard coughing up a lung or two. ••• Brett Favre is an All-American guy, but we can't figure out if he's retired or not. He was on the Late Show on April 24, giving Dave a hard time for not knowing. Read Mike McIntee's account of the interview in the Wahoo Gazette. The Favre thing is starting a trend, and others are unretiring. / video:

"The decision by Brett Favre to come out of retirement is an inspiration to all professionals who feel they've stepped aside too early. Therefore, as of today, former President Richard Nixon is coming out of retirement and getting back into politics. Richard Nixon: All you need is a dollar and a dream."

8/04/08 [2966]: outside cam to 53rd. St. to see the set-up for tonight's Purina Incredible Dog Challenge / We're looking at 19,000 gallons of water, at 54° F. The pool's 41 feet long, by 17 feet by 4 feet. / Weather Report: 83° F, 44% humidity, barometer 29.97, wind NW 11 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Billy Bob Thornton is 53 today. We'll be back outside in a bit. ••• People Weekly has Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and the twins on this week's cover. Dave says the nice people at People paid $400 for the first photos. The conventional wisdom is the rights came in closer to $14,000,000. (Whether $400 or $14,000,000, when cash is involved, Late Show fans can be confident that Paul will chime in and say, "I've got that on me!" It's become a new Late Show tradition, like the horn section raising their hands.) Anyway, Dave's copy of the magazine has a foldout of the Pitt-Jolie clan, which includes exactly 20 kids. No wonder Brad and Angelina went to in vitro for the twins. They're exhausted! ••• interruption: CBS News Special Report / video:

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Packers quarterback Brett Favre has cancelled his comeback bid, and announced his retirement. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has announced he is unretired, and has rejoined the Green Bay Packers. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has retired, and while retiring, unretired. But then, he retired again. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

8/01/08 [2965]: [roof cam: Our new friend, Paul Thoresen, (possibly still enrolled at the University of Wisconsin-Madison) and Pat Farmer are on the roof again. Paul has slapped together another 55-gallon water balloon. It weighs about 457 pounds. Eight stories below is an unsuspecting 1994 Chrysler LeBaron convertible, strategically parked, with top down. It's a sitting duck, as they say. / Weather Report: 84° F, 47% humidity, barometer 29.91, wind SW at 8 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Dom DeLuise is 75 years old today. (So are a lot of other people, but it's Dom's birthday.) / What advice does Pat have for us all? "Safety first." / Pat, Paul and the stagehands do their thing, and the balloon makes its way toward earth. / Bullseye! The windshield has shielded wind for the last time. / Replays.] ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Until 1981, Lincoln's statue in the Lincoln Memorial was holding a tip jar. 2. In some rural areas of Italy, there are coin-operated meatball machines. 3. Dick Cheney holds the world's record for longest sneer. 4. It makes no sense to buy an extended service warranty on a coffin. 5. Curiosity is the #2 cause of death for cats. 6. The government has no idea how many people work for the Census Bureau.] ••• desk chat: Dave visits with Paul about Richard Simmons' upcoming segment. He once spent some time with Richard, and found him to be genuinely irritating. (Dave's probably referring to a segment on 12/30/94, when he and Richard went door-to-door in New Jersey.) Dave says that prior to that day, he'd never thought he could kill another human being. ••• Webster's Dictionary has recently added 100 words. / Top Ten New Words •••

Beloved fitness guru Richard Simmons is delivered down 53rd St. and into the theater by one of those pedal cabs. The CBSO plays him on with Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti." Richard is wearing a bright red, feathery tank top and striped shorts, and is greased up with Mazola® oil, or whatever product he uses to contaminate Dave's furniture. Dave doesn't take the fire extinguisher to Richard, but tells him he can't stand on the guest chair, "Get off the couch. Get off the couch. Hey! I ain't Oprah, get off the furniture. Get off the furniture. Get off!" Richard then does a squirrel face and pose. Dave looks over to Paul and says, "Not a jury in the land would convict me. All they've gotta do is look at the tape," Dave exclaims, perhaps in reference to his earlier comments on putting Richard out of his misery. Dave looks to Gaines and inquires, "Is there a five-day waiting period to get a gun? Is that what it is? I've gotta wait five days?" As the interview winds down, Dave reveals a personal secret to Richard, "Let me tell you something else. I screwed up, and you were only supposed to get one segment, but because I screwed up, you're still here." While he's on a roll, Dave says of Richard's red-feathered get-up, "You know who passed away a couple of weeks ago? The guy who did Bozo the Clown. And I see you were in the will."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• more Richard Simmons ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview": Richard Simmons / As usual, Alan is openly displeased with Dave for snatching his scheduled guest. He calls Dave "numbnuts" and walks off the stage. ••• Mary-Louise Parker plugs Weeds. Dave compliments her on her ass after showing a picture of her nekkid, holding some gigantic snake in a Weeds publicity shoot. Her last visit to the Late Show was on 2/03/95, and I don't recall it going very well. ••• Dave announces that Dwayne Kennedy was bumped. (He'll appear on August 8.) ••• full credits

7/31/08 [2964]: [I missed bits and pieces from tonight's show to tropospheric ducting. This means an atmospheric temperature inversion has created a path (in the trophosphere, the lowest part of the atmosphere) for radio and TV signals on frequencies (VHF and UHF) that would normally travel only line-of-sight. In other words, a TV station on channel 13 from much farther away was competing with the signal from WIBW, channel 13 on about 211 MHz, in Topeka. It makes the picture look very squiggly, and sometimes the color drops out. Police scanner listeners start hearing police dispatchers from other states, etc.]

Dave gives a dinner certificate to newlyweds in the audience. ••• A-Rod wants a career in show business, and he's signed an agent. / video:

"Alex Rodriguez has signed on with the prestigious William Morris Agency, in an effort to pursue more opportunities in the entertainment industry. Specifically, he's hoping to branch out into sleeping with film actresses..." (Cue picture of Angelina Jolie) "TV actresses..." (Cue picture of Ellen Pompeo.) "country singers..." (Cue picture of Shania Twain.) "authors..." (Cue picture of J. K. Rowling.) "directors..." (Cue picture of Diane Keaton.) "talk show hosts..." (Cue picture of Kelly Ripa.) "and stars with no discernible talent whatsover." (Cue picture of Paris Hilton.) "A-Rod. Batter up!"

"As Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain vet the potential running mates on their short list, Al Gore can confirm that there are now just two names on his short list for tonight: Cheesecake and Cinnamon Buns. An announcement will be made shortly." (Cue picture of a well-fed Al Gore.) "Al Gore... Mmm, Mmm, Good."

7/30/08 [2963]: cold open: video from c. 1967: A man with black plastic glasses introduces footage from a Public Relations Society of America symposium. He has no public relations skills whatsoever. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "OK, I met, I met an onion grower today at the airport when I arrived, and he said, 'You've gotta help me find people that'll pull onions.' Or pluck 'em... or whatever you do to 'em, you know?" ••• "Annoying Word of the Night": veepstakes / video of various news anchors using the catchphrase ••• glass-breaking FX: "Old Turkey Buzzard" (apparently resurrected at the request of a lonely audience man) ••• In Fairhope, Alabama, a doggie named Wille Bean Roscoe P. Coltrane is running for mayor. / video:

"Wille Bean says you can trust him to lead Fairhope, Alabama as its mayor, but consider the facts: When asked at the town hall meeting last April how he planned to ease downtown traffic congestion, the candidate said..." (Cue audio of barking.) But when asked about the same congestion last week, he said..." (Cue audio of a bit of growling, different barking, plus some panting.) "Well, which is it, Wille Bean?" (Cue picture of a turtle.) "Paid for by The Committee to Elect Mittens."

"Has your family been disappointed by the Mexican bathtub cheese you've been buying? Well check out Kraft's® Mexican Bathtub Cheese. Kraft® painstakingly selects each Mexican bathtub we use, to make sure your Mexican bathtub cheese is the best Mexican bathtub cheese. Don't be fooled by other so-called Mexican bathtub cheeses. Only when you bite into Kraft® cheese do you know you're eating something made in a Mexican bathtub. Kraft®: like eating in a Mexican bathtub." (Cue picture of a smiling man wearing a sombrero, sitting in a bathtub.)

7/29/08 [2962]: desk antics: Dave once again grabs an unsuspecting Barbara Gaines as she approaches the desk too closely, making sure that she gets plenty of camera time during her futile struggle for escape. (As we have learned over the years, Dave is 6' 8" and 280 lbs., and has the strength of 10 men.) ••• Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized and released this week for "an adverse reaction to medication." Dave wouldn't give her troubles to a monkey on a rock. / video:

"Amy Winehouse would like to assure her fans that she's doing well after her most recent stay in the hospital. Amy would also like everyone to know that this incident had nothing to do with illicit narcotics. She was mauled by the raccoon that lives in her hair. A message from Amy Winehouse."

"Russian scientists have successfully descended to the bottom of Siberia's Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake, reaching a depth of 5,500 feet. What did they find at such a staggering depth?" (Cue aaoogah horn.) "President Bush's poll numbers! Do you have a submarine joke you'd like to see on the show?" (Cue picture of a smiling Dave in one of those white sailor caps.) "Send it to Cap'n Dave's Submarine Showdown, New York, New York 10019. Ahoy!"

"After two thrilling Mummy films, adventurer Rick O'Connell is back. Join our hero as he travels through hundreds of miles of treacherous desert, only to discover the most mysterious, horrifying mummy yet." (Cue clip of Larry King saying, "Idaho Falls, Idaho for Dr. Phil. Hello.") "The Mummy. Opens Friday."

7/28/08 [2961]: desk chat: Dave lets us in on some juicy inside gossip. It's never happened before. As the theme song wound down, Tony Mendez, who needs no introduction in these parts, revealed to Dave that he was missing some cue cards. (If you play back the tape, a camera is on Dave and Tony during the brief discussion, because Tony lured Dave away from his mark. You can see Dave with a big grin as he returns to his mark. Anyway, Tony had cards for the first couple of jokes. After that, he just leaned in and told Dave the missing jokes. Dave knew the start of the joke about a mouse in the chili at Wendy's. He made it through the first punchline, then we see him look toward Tony, and we hear Tony give Dave the second punchline, "It was supposed to be in the tacos!" Watch this scandal unfold in my Video Archives.) ••• A couple in Green Bay, Wisconsin woke up hearing something they can't explain. They've had experts come in with all kinds of gadgets, like in Poltergeist. They're still looking for it. / video:

"For the last two years Bob and Leona Ehrfurth from Green Bay, Wisconsin have been unable to find the source of an annoying noise in their home. City officials, accoustic experts and scientists have all looked into the problem, but haven't been able to find the solution. Oh... forget it. Leona just remembered she left the TV on in the basement." (Cue a clip of an argument on The View.) "The View: Annoying people since 1997."

"Barack Obama plans to maintain the 6.2% Social Security tax rate for earned income up to $102,000, while placing an additional tax of 2% to 4% on earned income above $250,000. John McCain plans to save his Social Security checks, until he has enough money to buy of them metal detectors, so he can find coins at the beach."

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Here is the answer to last night's riddle. May is the shortest month, because it only has three letters." (Cue slide whistle sound.) "This has been a CBS News Special Report. We now return you to the CBS Olympic preview, Countdown to Berlin, already in progress."

"I challenge Americans to work together to make all of its electricity through solar, wind and geothermal power. It won't be easy." (slurping on a drink) "Together, I believe we can preserve the planet for ourselves and our children. Can't you people get more caramel?! Remember: only you can make a difference."

7/25/08 [2960]: [roof cam: We jump from the monologue to the roof to visit with Pat Farmer and Paul Thoresen, who have a 55-gallon water balloon ready to drop on 53rd St. Paul is from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. He dropped a similar balloon, made from an industrial-sized trash bag, from the 10th floor of a residence hall. For his efforts, Paul got some big fines. Actually, some of what Paul described as fines probably were charges for broken glass. / weather report: 87° F, 48% humidity, barometer 29.84, wind S 10 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Betty Fletcher from Tucson is 100 today. / The drop will be from eight stories (90 feet). / Splat! / Tidal wave! / Replays.] ••• Randy Bachman (of The Guess Who and Bachman Turner Overdrive) is sitting in on guitar. Randy's name is pronounced like Backman, which is common in Canada, even though Bachman in Bachman Turner Overdrive has the expected German pronunciation. ••• desk chat: Dave likens tonight's guest, Nathan Lane, to Russian world champion weight lifter Vasili Alexyev. It's a bit of a stretch, but Dave's a deep thinker, so we'll go with it. ••• The Emmy award nominations were announced last week. Oddly enough, now Dave has seen Emmy nominations on al Jazeera. / video:

"Al Qaeda proudly congratulates all of its prime time Emmy nominees: Osama bin Laden for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Terror Training Video; Ayman al-Zawahiri for Outstanding Supporting Extremist in a Video or Audio Terror Message; Habib Salam for Outstanding Animated Program..." (Cue cartoon of an Arab milking a camel.) "and Abdul Mohammed for Outstanding Beard in a Martyrdom Message or Miniseries. Way to go!"

7/24/08 [2959]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "That's not a Seersucker suit, is it?" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Harry, now 4½, has been going to day camp. Recently he saw a fat man in his underpants. Dave says that while he was dropping off Harry, a man recognized him and asked why he doesn't see him on TV anymore. / Dave squints at Dave Dorsett's camera and goes over to pound on the lens. It's his special operational test. / Dave informed the guy, "I got fired." Then Paul brings down the house with, "He thought you were Leno." ••• "Great Paranormal Mysteries of Our Time" / video / voice-over / X Files music:

"Who built Stonehenge? Did aliens crash land near Roswell, New Mexico in 1947? How did Clay Aiken get a woman pregnant?"

7/23/08 [2958]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Ronald Reagan: "And let us renew our faith and our hope. We have every right to dream heroic dreams." 2. John F. Kennedy: "As a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 3. George W. Bush: "It's the first time we've been back to Texas since our trip to Africa, and you may recall we went to a park in Botswana." ••• "Why They Would Make a Good Vice-President" (with hilarious sound effects) / Howie Mandel (moo), Condoleezza Rice (foghorn), Rachael Ray (turkey), Christian Bale (thunder), Madonna (lawnmower or weed eater) / interruption: A man wearing a Batman mask bothers Dave again. He wants to buy a ticket to the Batman movie. Dave agrees to give him a ride home. / more Vice-Presidents: Oprah (pinball machine), George Clooney (yodeling), Lindsay Lohan (rooster), Brett Favre (sneeze), Paul Shaffer (siren) and Alex Rodriguez (slide whistle) ••• John C. Reilly plugs Step Brothers. ••• Jane Mayer plugs her book, The Dark Side. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Tony Mendez Show promo ••• more Jane Mayer ••• Grizzly Bear sing.

7/22/08 [2957]: desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to writer/strike captain Bill Scheft. He explains that Bill recently had a tie transplant. OK... he had a hip replacement two weeks ago, and he's back on job, leaning on a cane. Welcome back, Bill! ••• The heat is crazy. / "Late Show Tips for Beating the Heat" / video:

As we hear catchy Australian music, the voice-over dude says, "When outdoors, wear light, loose-fitting clothing and apply plenty of sunscreen. Avoid strenuous activities, especially during the sun's peak hours. And remember to keep hydrated by drinking water, electrolyte-rich sports drinks, or if you feel adventurous, try this." (Cue video of Bear Grylls saying, "The only thing I can do is drink my own pee.") "This has been 'Late Show Tips for Beating the Heat.' "

"With 900 people working full-time to get him elected, Barack Obama has the biggest campaign staff in Presidential candidate history. This is not to be confused with the distinction held by Richard Nixon, who according to his wife, Pat, had the biggest staff in Presidential candidate history." (Cue the censored picture of a pantsless Richard Nixon.) "Nixon: Big where it counts."

7/21/08 [2956]: "It's so hot" jokes, e.g., "That thing on Donald Trump's head was panting." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "So I'm optimistic. I understand how difficult it is, uh, but difficulty should not cause people to do the right thing." ••• Dave confesses that in the pre-show questions he spotted a young man in the audience wearing a red Ball State shirt. He asked, "Is that a shirt you're wearing?" ••• desk chat: Dave says he does a lot of thinking about stuff, even though some believe he's an idiot. Gas prices have got us by the nose. Dave concludes that, "Americans love the way gas smells." Do Americans love the way electricity smells? He thinks not. But fresh-pumped gas: "Mmmmm." ••• more desk chat: Dave, the former meteorologist, fusses about the heat index. It's too complicated. Now a radio station in New York is broadcasting the feels like number. ••• It's hot, and it's only going to get hotter. / outside cam ("videotaped"): The Jamba Juice® across the street at 1700 Broadway melts before our eyes! All that's left is a space like a garage. ••• HBO's miniseries on founding father John Adams has been nominated for 23 Emmy awards. / video:

"HBO congratulates the cast and crew of John Adams for garnering 23 Emmy nominations, including:

• Best Miniseries
• Best Performance By An Actor
• Best Performance By An Actor Wearing a Wig While Eating
• Best Performance By Two Old People In A Tub
• Best Hat, and
• Best Wet, Hacking Cough.

Congratulations from your friends at HBO."

"The government's terror watch list includes more than one million names, but many of those are innocent people whose names are similar to those of actual terror suspects. So how can you tell if you're a suspected terrorist?"

• "If your front porch collapses and four goats get killed..." (Cue baa.) "...you might be a terrorist." (Cue rim shot.)
• "If on your wedding day you wore a tuxedo with a bomb vest..." (Cue slide whistle.) "...you might be a terrorist." (Cue rim shot.)
• "If you and your wife have the same beard, you might be a terrorist." (Cue rim shot.)

"Good night, America."

7/18/08 [2955]: outside cam to Broadway to meet Brad Emehiser. He's a furniture salesman from Everett, Washington, who has done skateboarding for 20 years. / weather report: 77° F, humidity 60%, barometer 29.88" ↑, wind SW 5 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Happy birthday to Vin Diesel (41), by the way. / Brad sets out on his journey south on Broadway. He hits a rut (he says) about halfway down the block, and doesn't make it. / Do over. [True Confessions: I swiped the spelling of Brad's name from the Wahoo Gazette. I couldn't find the dude on Google.] ••• desk chat: An audience woman from Florida wants to go deep sea fishing. Dave says, "I'll tell you something. Ever since that came up, all I can think about is gettin' a hold of my pole and goin' out there." ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. Pineapples take about 18 months to develop. 2. Polar bears can swim about 60 miles without a rest. 3. Garfield hates Mondays, because that's the day the veterinarian neutered him. 4. In 1996, because of a clerical error, for a short time the RDA for iron was 12 pounds. 5. When Sesame Street was not in production, Jim Henson would use Kermit the Frog as an oven mitt.] ••• desk chat: Dave checks with executive producer Barbara Gaines on the cost of Brad's appearance. It came to $1160 for the roundtrip flight, $500 for the hotel and $1400 for the actor's payment. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam to Broadway and Brad, who goes the whole block by standing on his skateboard the usual way. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard in Line to See the New Batman Movie ••• Rosie Perez plugs Pineapple Express. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• David Sedaris plugs his book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames. ••• David Sedaris reads from his book.

7/17/08 [2594]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. John F. Kennedy: "A strict quarantine on all offensive military equipment under shipment to Cuba is being initiated." 3. George W. Bush: "And, uh, it is a, uh, I think it's a, I think it is, it's uh, it's uh, these..." ••• change-up: Dave goes to commercial from his monologue. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: Dave notices that his noggin isn't in the picture. We see legendary cameraman running in and tossing on the headset. Dave asks Dave if he's just getting into work. "I'm sorry I'm late, Dave Dorsett says, "I went to the All-Star Game." Dave, our host, points out, "But that was Tuesday." Dave Dorsett replies, "But I got drunk and passed out in a dumpster." Then legendary bandleader Paul Shaffer chimes in with, "Passed out in a dumpster. In other words, he was in a dumpster first, then he passed out." ••• A guy in Queens goes into a Subway® shop, and they baked a knife into the Subway® bun. The Subway® company is trying to put a positive spin on this. / video and voice-over:

"Subway's Summer Prize-Fest continues. Congratulations to John Agnesini of Queens, New York, who found the July prize." (Cue picture of a knife.) "Look for a new hidden prize starting August 1st." (Cue picture of a pocket comb.) "Subway's® Summer Prize-Fest. Play at your own risk!"

"CBS would like to congratulate all of its shows that received nominations for the 2008 Emmy awards..." (Cue clips of top-notch CBS programs.) "...including CSI, The Amazing Race and..." (Cue clip of Dave in a blue Cap'n Crunch hat, enjoying some cereal.) "Good lord. You're kidding, right? Well, congratulations anyway from CBS."

7/16/08 [2593]: "John McCain Supporter of the Night" / video: We see Wolf Blitzer visiting with Gov. Mark Sanford (R - South Carolina).

Blitzer: "Are there any significant economic differences between what, uh, the Bush administration has put forward over these many years, as opposed to now what John McCain supports?"

Sanford: "Uh, yeah, I mean for instance, take, you know, umm, uhh, take for instance the issue of... uh, of, uh..." (knocks on wood) "I'm drawin' a blank, uhh..."

"In a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Barack Obama told readers what's on his iPod™." (Cue picture of Obama on the cover.) "And coming up in the next issue of Rolling Stone, John McCain gives readers a look at his iPod™." (Cue picture of a palm-sized, antique, hand-cranked Victrola.) "John McCain: Can you believe how old this guy is?"

"Milk prices are hurting American consumers. To solve the problem, President Bush proposes a three-part plan:

1. lower income taxes for cows,
2. more offshore drilling for milk an